Day 4 — Choosing Forgiveness

“But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against.” — Mark 11:25

For the past three days, we have been preparing our hearts. We have remembered the mercy we have received. We have allowed the Holy Spirit to reveal the offenses we are carrying. We have seen what can happen when an offense is allowed to remain and bitterness begins to take root.

Now we come to a decision.

Will I forgive? There may still be pain. There may still be unanswered questions. The person may never have apologized. They may not understand what they did and may not even believe they did anything wrong. You choosing forgiveness cannot depend upon what another person chooses to do. If it does, they still have control over whether you walk free.

Jesus said: “But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against.” — Mark 11:25 Forgiveness is something we choose before God. Sometimes our emotions follow immediately. Sometimes they do not but obedience does not have to wait for our feelings.

We often think: I will forgive when I don’t feel angry anymore. I will forgive when it stops hurting. I will forgive when they apologize. I will forgive when I understand why it happened. But what if those things never happen? Do we remain bound to the offense forever? No. Forgiveness begins with a decision.

“Father, I choose to forgive.”

You may say those words while tears are running down your face. You may say them while your heart still hurts. You may say them while part of you wishes you didn’t have to. Forgiveness does not require you to feel differently before you obey God.

Sometimes obedience leads and our emotions follow.

One of the greatest obstacles to forgiveness is misunderstanding what forgiveness means. Forgiveness does not say: What happened was okay. It does not say: It didn’t hurt. It does not say: There should be no consequences. It does not say: I have to trust this person again. It does not say: I must give them the same access to my life they had before and it does not require reconciliation when reconciliation is not safe, wise, or possible. You can forgive and still establish boundaries. You can forgive and still tell the truth about what happened. You can forgive and still allow appropriate consequences. You can forgive someone you never speak to again. Forgiveness is not denying the wrong. Forgiveness is refusing to let the wrong continue ruling your heart.

This is where forgiveness becomes difficult. We want the other person to acknowledge what they did. We want to hear: I was wrong. I hurt you. Please forgive me and when genuine repentance happens, it can be deeply healing. But sometimes the apology never comes. If your forgiveness requires their apology, your freedom remains dependent upon their decision. So then they are basically holding you captive if we are waiting for that apology.

Jesus showed us another way.

While He hung on the cross, He prayed: “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they are doing.” — Luke 23:34 Jesus did not wait for the people crucifying Him to apologize before He chose forgiveness. He placed the matter before His Father. If Jesus can forgive, then we can do the same.

You may choose forgiveness today and wake up tomorrow still feeling pain. That does not mean you failed to forgive. Forgiveness and healing are connected, but they are not always instantaneous.

A decision can happen in a moment. Healing may unfold over time. The memory may surface again. The emotions may rise again. When that happens, you do not have to reopen the case. You can remind yourself: “I have already chosen forgiveness. Father, I give this pain to You again.” Sometimes forgiveness becomes a decision we reinforce whenever the wound tries to speak again. Not because the original forgiveness was false but because we are learning not to pick back up what we have chosen to put down.

Feelings are real, but they are not always meant to lead us. Jesus did not say: Forgive when you feel ready.

He taught us to forgive but that doesn’t make the process easy. It makes forgiveness an act of faith. We trust that God’s way leads to freedom even when our emotions have not yet experienced that freedom. You can say: I still hurt, but I forgive. I still have questions, but I forgive. I still wish things had been different, but I forgive. I may never receive an apology, but I forgive. That is not weakness. That is obedience.

No one else can make this decision for you. Not your pastor, your spouse, your friend or the person who hurt you. Forgiveness is a choice you make before God. The Holy Spirit will help you! You are not being asked to manufacture forgiveness through your own strength. You can pray: “Holy Spirit, I am willing to obey. Help me do what I cannot do in my own strength.” Sometimes willingness is where freedom begins.

Spend some quiet time with the Lord.

• Have you been waiting until you feel ready to forgive?

• Are you waiting for someone to apologize before you release them?

• Have you believed that forgiving someone means saying what they did was acceptable?

• Are you afraid forgiveness means you must trust them again?

• Is there someone you know God is asking you to forgive today?

• What emotions rise when you consider saying, “I choose to forgive”?

• Are you willing to obey God even if your feelings take time to follow?

Return to the name or situation the Holy Spirit has been revealing during this journey. Do not focus on whether the person deserves forgiveness. Do not wait for the right emotion. Simply bring the person before God. Say their name if you are able.

Then pray: “Father, because You have forgiven me, today I choose to forgive __________ for __________.” Be honest about what happened. You don’t need to minimize it.

Then say: “I choose forgiveness even if my feelings have not yet caught up with my decision. Holy Spirit, help my heart follow my obedience.” If there are several people, don’t rush. Take them one at a time. Take them out of your heart and place them in the palm of your hand and after, raise them and release them to God. This is sacred work between you and God.